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Guilty – Who Does He Turn To Now?

Posted by becky on April 11, 2011 in From the Heart |

I’m guilty. Yes, no sense in taking it to the jury, I confess. Behind this smile, through my left ear, around my collar bone and through the gap between my second and third rib on the left side is a button. This button is untouchable {most of the time}. This button can only be mashed by the people I love the most. They know the combination, the magic words if you will, to enter the gate and then unlock the door to the button sitting there under the glass bubble. Do they dare flip the glass bubble and mash the button, they do {from time to time}.

Yes, that button was mashed today, by my precious son, Hampton. He knew, the minute the smile faded, the ribs separated and he caught a glimpse of the door. He should leave it be, retreat back to the outside. His other choice to use those magic words to complete this adventure he had embarked upon and unlock the treasure {treasure, NOT}.

His choice, he made it, he unlocked the gate and opened the door in one breath. The button was not mashed yet but, I could feel the warmth of his hands as he placed them upon the glass bubble. I closed my eyes hoping he would not repeat those words. I breathed deep, opened my eyes and said, “Please get your bath, we won’t be gone long, then, you can come back home” {I said this in my louder, I mean what I say voice}. Hampton knows the voice and he knew he could feel the button. His choice.

He did it, he said it. Not only did he say it, he looked me right in the eye and said, “Mama, I’m not going” {he says this in his not the way you talk to your mama voice}.

Button mashed, I let out with a mouth full of things about how “you need a bath regardless, not taking a bath is nasty, you are going because I said so, I’m the boss and I’ll show you” and even the guilt trip thing of “you could do this one thing for me, I do everything for you” {and more}. I said hurtful things, I hurt his feelings I’m sure. Now, who does he turn to? I am all he has.

Yes, he mashed the button, but I allowed him to get through my smile in the first place. No, he shouldn’t have talk to me the way he did. Maybe I should have been a little more protective of my button. I blew up, I am the parent, guilty of losing my cool. Not a good trait to pass on to him. I vow to do better.

When I look back on these moments, I hurt inside, not because I’ve had a moment, not because I have allowed Hampton to get behind my smile and follow the map to the magic button unlocking the passages along the way. I hurt because when all is said and done, who does he turn to now?

Just for the record, he got a shower, he was ready to go in record time and I have apologized for the things I said. I AM WHO HE TURNS TO NOW!

I love you, Hampton.

xoxo,

Mom {Becky for you readers out there}

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